MISNOMER

By Bill Woolum

CHARACTERS

DON: President of College
LANCE: Vice President Of College

SCENE

(Don seated at his desk. Lance enters.)

DON: Damn it, Lance. Sit down. We've got a misnomer on our hands.

LANCE: Damn it, Don. Is it the old man again?

DON: Were we so lucky! Hell no, we can always high road any misnomer the old man paradigms. No, the part-timers opened another ball of wax so we've got to put the rubber to the metal before we spoil the stew.
(Lance looks confused. He gestures for more information.) Damn it, Lance. They're on a renomer jag. They feel ethically downsized being called part-time. We've got to option a new name for them before they storm the Lusitania.

LANCE: How about temporary?

DON: Damn it, Lance, cut bait or gather no moss. We can't call teachers who've taught part-time 15 years temporary.

LANCE: Casual?

DON: Tried that.

LANCE: Mutable faculty.

DON: Too damned Elizabethan.

LANCE: Transient? (Don glares) Portable? (Don rolls his eyes.)
[Don responds in similar non-verbal ways to the following suggestions] Malleable? Fluxing? Flexible? Fragmented? Fluxing-flexible? Fragmented-fluctuating? (Pause) Minimalist? Minimized? Ancillary? Adjunct? Inequitible? Incremental? No?
How about fluxing-flexible-fluctuating-fragmented-alienated-ancillary-
auxilliary-adjunct-minimized- minimal-unequal-impermanent-incoherent-
insecure-inconsistent-short-term-varying- incommensurate-inconsolable-
discontinuous-non-entity faculty. (Don brightens up.)

DON: Damn it, Lance, we'll shoot it by them and see if any spaghetti hits the wall.

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